Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Baby, I'm the lucky one.

There is a part of me that does not want to write this post. Mostly because I am tired of explaining and reliving the whole situation. This past week and weekend were one of the toughest of my life. My husband was in the hospital once more for the problem with his heart. He has a condition where his heart goes into Atril Fibrillation which means a faster than is normal heart rate and an irregular rhythm. This is officially his fourth episode and our fourth trip to the ER. This one was somewhat different though in that they didn't convert his heart back to normal and kept him in the hospital for four days. We knew he wasn't on his death bed - the doctors had full control and were monitoring him and running tests but to us...it was truly frightening. I didn't expect to be sleeping on a pull out chair from Thursday to Sunday, I didn't expect to spend three meals a day eating alone in a cafeteria crying into my french fries. And yes I ate french fries. I did pretty well on the detox until the third day at lunch when I broke down and layed on the comfort foods.
I was scared. My husband was hooked up to monitors and and IV and I was slowly loosing my mind. I tried to be as tough as I could - not let him see me crying. God! I wanted my Mom sooo bad - but I knew I couldn't let her fly down unless things got critical. I don't know if I have ever felt more alone in my life. All I wanted was to take him home and things to be fine and okay again. Sitting here now two days later typing this, tears are streaming down my face as I think back to it all. The beeping of the heart monitors, the sound of the nurses coming in every few hours every night. The cold window by my makeshift bed. Him in the hospital gown, the tears in his eyes....
I don't remember a worse time in my life. I tried to think of one.
I can't.

He is home. We have new medicines that are going to try to control his heart and keep him out of AFIB. I wish I had some too - I was so anxious and nervous and stressed I wondered sometimes if I my heart was having empathy for his.

He is my whole world. The other half of my heart. The love of my life.

This really shook me.

I shouldn't have typed this at work - I am a mess and I don't have any mascara here to reapply.