Friday, December 31, 2010

Dear Heartbreaker,

This letter might be coming a little too late, but I think it needs written - for all the broken hearts out there that have suffered needlessly over some ridiculous boy.  Let's first just get the record straight here so that the truth can be known. Yes, I had a crush on you. Yes, I blushed whenever you were around. But, never did I think that there would ever be anything between us.  You were a friend of my brothers, you were older, and I had no inclination that you were at all interested in me....that is until one day you walked in to my room and kissed me. And kissed me....and, well you were there.  You were a terrible kisser - but I looked past that due to the shear shock I was experiencing that you were actually kissing me. And that wasn't were it ended.
For several weeks we talked on the phone for hours every night.  For several weeks we saw each other almost everyday.  We made out in the car during a softball game, we made out behind the concession stand, we made our in the dark behind a tree at a youth group bonfire, we kissed in the back of my dad's truck, we kissed in that gorgeous green chair in our living room while everyone else was asleep....we did that a lot.  You called me all the time.  And were just gone.
And the next time I talked to you was when you came to our house over Christmas and you tried to act like nothing happened. But, I couldn't. You only tried to kiss me once.
The next time I talked to you was when you called to let me know you were getting married.  Yup. Married. I was 15, so this was a little hard to swallow.  I locked myself in my room and cried for an hour.  I was so in love with you.  I've never felt that love sick again.  It lasted from Freshman year of high school to Sophomore year of college. Seriously.  You did that.  Why?  Would it have been so hard to just talk to me about it?  Just tell me that you were just fooling around?  I mean, what was I supposed to think when my dream guy suddenly became my guy?  Seriously? 
Did you know that it wasn't until years later that my Mom even believed that anything had ever happened between us.  She thought all my heartache was born out of me just liking you.  Seriously.  It was pretty rough, dude.  You sucked big time. 
You were in my life and then so far's been about twelve years since then and I still remember how heart broken I was over you.  I have journals about it.  Thankfully, some more heartbreakers took over and rewired my brain.  I just want to know why? I mean seriously dude, Did you really think it was okay to drop me so fast and then to CALL AND TELL ME HAPPILY that you were getting MARRIED? Did you think that I was just fooling around too? You were a terrible kisser.  I still don't eat Burger King because I remember when you worked there.  Someone sent me a link a few months ago and I found out that you and your cagillion kids are evangelists who travel all over the country.  I really am honestly happy for you and your success and what looks like a great life.  I have a good life too.  I just wanted to add this letter
to my list because there are things that were never said.  I think that you should have taken a little better care of the hearts you handled in your youth.  We all make mistakes, right?  I offer you total and complete forgiveness - even for the years I spent pining over some romanticised version of you I had created in my head.  I would totally high five you and shake your hand if I saw you now.  But, in my head I would be kneeing you in the balls for breaking my fourteen year old heart.

Best Wishes!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear Large Home Improvement Store,

I had a few thoughts after our last discussion concerning my most recent despicable customer service experience with your store. As you know, you have compensated me reasonably well now for my "silence" and "forgiveness" for your complete disregard for your customer's needs and convenience and while I am thankful for the freebies, I somehow cannot control my insatiable need to drag your name and reputation thru the dirt.
I will however do you the honor of not using your name. Therefore you will note that my letter is indirect in it's title. No one will know which specific Large Home Improvement store you are...although of course you are either Blue or logo I mean.

I won't weary you once more with an account of my dissatisfaction with your services (you have more than enough note of that recorded in corporate complaints my spouse and I have both made to your superiors)...these are merely suggestions you might consider in your future interaction with money spending consumers (that is if you want to stay in business).

1.When dealing with a dissatisfied customer, it could possibly be considered vital to LOOK at the customer at some point when they are speaking to you.

2. If the customer is explaining their issue to you, you might not want to ignore them and make mildly quiet comments to your associate about changes to make to their order while you still have yet to hear their problem.

3. If your name is on your shirt, JIM you might want to consider not acting like a freaking jerk to customers because it is likely they can read and will remember the name of the person who was a jerk.

4. If you have a customer who is frustrated, irritated and about to explode from anger over the ridiculous excuse for customer service that you are providing them, it might be wise to consider making a note on their file to send them their merchandise upon its arrival to the store instead of making a different note that states that you will deliver their items 4 weeks later UNLESS the customer calls and realizes they are already in.

5. You might consider briefing the delivery people who will be redelivering the second round of merchandise to dissatisfied customers that they need to be EXTRA open and helpful as opposed to LESS helpful than on the first delivery.

In conclusion, I just want to thank you once again for dragging your name and customer service statements through the mud so that I might get cool merchandise for much less money. I enjoy receiving major percentages off of high priced items because you are not able to function as a regular business whose employees are at all intelligent enough to use their opposable thumbs.

I will happily stay up to accept your deliveries at 9:30 at night, Drive to your store to be openly ignored and disrespected by your supposed managers, be openly lied to by your service agents on the phone, be continuously lied to by your delivery men, have your delivery men in my home happy to disregard my reasonable requests to provide the services I have been promised for the appliances I have purchased...I am so happy to do all of these things in exchange for cheaper merchandise.

The only disclaimer here is that I don't have the time to idly wait around for you to ridiculously toss around my needs and time as if I were a college student waiting for a keg to arrive for my party. My time is slightly precious to me so I think in the future instead of receiving discounted merchandise in exchange for lame service - I will pursue my investments of larger purchases elsewhere.

Did I mention that this morning when you gave me my money back? No? I know I said you wouldn't "lose my business". I promise to still stop by when I need batteries and hardware. Appliances and lumber? Most likely not my dear Large Home Improvement Store. Most likely not...

Did I promise not to share my bad experience with others I care for so they can be protected from your negligence in their future service? I don't remember doing that either...that's funny huh? because your merchandise feels pretty good for that discounted price in my pocket. But, I guess money can't but everything. It can't buy my respect for you as a consumer. Nope. But, I do know that I can get a discount based on my capability to patiently time my frustration with you and phrase angry letters to your higher authorities.
No, basically what your refund bought you was a day without me calling to gripe at you. That's it. I hope it was worth it. It wasn't your money anyways, and it's not your I guess in the end it doesn't really matter to you anyway huh?

I think that your CEO and his investors would feel a bit differently about the service that you decided to provide me (a vital customer that you lost).

I can only conclude with this thought for you; Orange Power. They have better paint but otherwise it was a coin toss who I chose between you two power house it is an immediate reflex that pulls me into their parking lot and their credit card machine. It's a gag reflex. And it's your name I am choking on.
Thanks for the cash back. I'll happily spend it elsewhere.

Best Wishes on your future endeavors,


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Dear Gary the Firewood Guy,

First Gary, I would like to sincerely thank you for not killing my husband and I yesterday when we came to your residence to pick up the firewood. Your home was very unique and your trash pile/ compost heap was an inspiration to those of us aspiring to be GREEN in this day and age.

However, I did think of a few helpful tips you might consider when having wood customers to your home to pick up their firewood.
These are just mere suggestions: Do not comment about your dishonorable discharge from the army. Please try to avoid using the customers name in excess as that can be a bit unsettling to the person; making you seem anxious and thus making them (us) feel anxious and fearful of you. Do refrain from making unneeded trips back and forth to your home - the customers are there such a short time these breaks lend themselves to more feelings of insecurity and uneasiness. "Composting" in your front yard is not a widely accepted practice in most subdivisions (keep that in mind should your living arrangements change) also, please look up some details for your compost pile so you know what is and is not biodegradable, i.e. plastic bags, tires, cans, and regular everyday trash. I would leave it to natural things like leftover fruits and vegetables. But, again please do note that I am not a professional. Another tip to just keep in mind as you are practicing customer service; Try to avoid making too many references about coming to the customer's home and getting their home address. Especially if they have never made any reference to the option of having their wood delivered (as you can see they are in your yard at this moment to avoid you being in theirs). Making these types of comments will surely end your business relationship and ensure the customers take an alternate route home in case you have decided to follow them to save them the trouble of writing down their address for you.

Please take this advice to heart and may your firewood business flourish as best it can in this economic climate. And considering your military history, perhaps you should lay low for a while as I have posted BEWARE OF BUYING WOOD FROM THIS MAN posters all over the tri-city area with your picture attached. I took the picture with the high definition camera on my cellular device while you were deciding whether to kill us or sell us firewood. I applaud your obvious choice but hope in the future your customers will not consider you having other intentions besides picking up their wood from your residence/ compost heap.

Best Wishes in your business venture,

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Dear Population of __________ (the city I work in),

It has come to my attention today more than ever that you are all less than what I would consider members of an intelligent species. With as little specifics as possible I would like to outline the following realities and facts to you so that you might strive to be less annoying and ridiculous creatures thus making my life just a wee bit less frustrating:
#1. Credit cards are a part of everyday life. Every place you go has a different machine to process your card. I get it. They are different. But they are not however, complicated or written in hieroglyphics. They are in English and color coded. Just use your eyes and let the message transfer back to your brain before you ask!
#2. When your name is Jenifer and a door says "Helga" on it...this does not mean YOU. It just doesn't. Does this really need to be said?
#3. If you do not have the time to shop, then don't. It's just stupid.
#4. When you are should apologize.

I know that there are more items to add to this list but at the moment I done.