Wednesday, January 28, 2009
So my six legged friends and I have been waging war. The post-it note and I have savagely murdered about twenty of them this morning. I cleaned my whole desk in case there was some hidden something that was attracting them but to no avail. I fear they will soon take over and defeat me. I expect by lunch they will be caring my office supplies off my desk..there goes the stapler...
On a lighter note (you know, one that doesn't include execution by post-it), I was surprised yesterday to find that my darling husband had sent me some "Just Because" roses at work. I was so touched. They are beautiful and multi-color which I love. I just had to give my love a little shout out there! Love you honey!
Today (inbetweenst ant squishings) I was thinking about compliments. I am always so grateful for compliments as they can really give you that little extra umph! in the day that makes you feel good about yourself. Especially when you are not expecting them at all. The other day I got a typical, "What a cute shirt!" comment from a lady I work with - that really made my morning! I felt cute!
Another time the same lady mentioned how nice my hair looked curled. I had to go look in the mirror! What a nice thing to say - I thought. Whenever someone compliments me I feel the immediate urge to compliment back, but I try not to so they don't think I am only saying it because they said something to me. I try to make and effort to say something nice to them soon.
Some people are so good at compliments, they are just sweet and caring people and they share that with the people they know and interact with. I think I struggle with complimenting - I need to pay a little more attention to others and make sure that I am giving them good feedback too!
But, I only want to give honest compliments- don't you hate those that just don't seem right. Like when a salesperson compliments you and in the back of your mind you are just wondering..."Hmmmm..I wonder if they meant that or if they just want me to buy their product?". The cynic in me says, "Yes dummy, they just want your business!" but I guess they could have meant it. I had two sales reps come in the office yesterday and upon walking up to the front to meet them one immediately said, "Oh my goodness I love your top! It looks really great on you.". I don't want to by pessimistic here but that just felt like a little too much. But, she struck again. When I handed them my business cards with my maiden name scratched out (Yes, the business card ordering process is kinda slow) the same lady said, "Oh my gosh! Congratulations! What a beauuuutiful ring!". Very nice, very complimentary.....But, I have my doubts! I mean seriously...you just want me to specify your carpet in my projects, you don't give a darn about my sweater!
What's the best compliment you've ever had?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
This happened to me a while ago at work and I was really embarassed. There is one guy in our office who likes to joke around with everyone and stop by your desk with little comments and such. He always comments of my most recent desktop background (which I change often) and jokes about how everything matched at my desk and how it is all coordinated...it wasn't on purpose I swear! Well, this is probably one of my most favorite people in the office because he is fun and jokes around. However, of the 16 people that work here - no one can get in a more foul mood than he. Yikes. So, one day I am talking to him at his desk and he wasn't in one of the fun and happy moods (I did not realize this) and just kidding around......which is totally typical..I say, "Gosh So-in-So, how do you ever find anything on your desk! (chuckle chuckle)". To which he just looks at me and says, "Well, I am very busy." in a really straight tone. I blush completely red and start making up the rest of the conversation with things like, "Yeah you should see my desk - it's a pit", "I mean, we all have our own system..I bet you know exactly where everything is....I'm the same way (BTW: I am so not that way)". He just kind of sat there and stared at me while I dug a bigger hole for myself. Awkward.
So the awkwardness and the redness continued until I escaped back to my desk mortified. I mean this person is older than my Dad! But he jokes with me daily with stuff just like that! So to sum it up - he didn't talk to me for like a month! Talk about dishing it but not being able to take it! I tread lightly now and never joke back...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Well, I guess thats a bonus. No charge.
With my new goals I talked about in this post a week or so ago I have taken a few steps and learned some things about myself. I have also pondered, philosophized and muttered about a few other ideas floating around in the old noggin'. Isn't it funny how things pop up in your mind and then you just slowly mull them over and over? Anyone else? Well, what I hope to gain is some insight from writing them out. Typically by the end of my post I either hate what I wrote and totally disagree with myself or I think I worded it perfectly and expressed myself phenomenally and then I go home and my husband goes, "What was up with that post today? You are off your rocker.." (J/K he has never said the phrase "off your rocker"...but you get what I mean)
Thanks for all the comments on the last post! I love writing about things that begin some conversation. I always want to comment back and I wonder if people read back thru. I wanted to make it clear that I have definitely grown and changed since college - what my worry was it that I have lost a few things along the way that I shouldn't have. The four years since college have been a total metamorphosis for me and I am so thankful for the maturing and growing I have done. But, I miss the things that are so me and I find great sadness in the fact that new people I have met since then think of me in a light that is so far from who I have always been.
To the anonymous Amanda...I am so excited that you were excited! But the Amanda I was referring to is a blogger so I don't know if you do know who and what I meant - unless it is you and you were just being anonymous! hee hee! But, please keep reading!
And to Morgan the Muse...there is still time. Don't graduate without throwing some smoothie around - you won't regret it!
Wow that was a side note and a half!
Wasn't I going to post about something...(referring to title..)
I have been thinking a lot about my life and trying to do a bit of spring cleaning. Kyle and I are on day eight of our detox and doing well. If you are interested in our process you are welcome to check out my page on Sparkpeople.com - I am "STILLDREAMIN" if you want to be friends! The book we are basing the detox on is The 28 Day Plan by Christine Green. So I am working on my body and improving my health and how I feel about myself. It has been really interesting to see how I use food for comfort in my life. I have even found myself eating more of our health food because I found myself in a vulnerable mood. Yikes! It is an interesting look to have at your life when you start noticing your own patterns. I want to shift my thinking and shift my cravings. It is definitely a journey.
I feel like I am at a growing stage in my life. I have finished college and finished the first four years of my career the beginner fresh in the field feelings are starting to dull into a more experienced and secure perspective..NOT! I think I am less secure in my job than ever(the bad economy doesn't bode well for anyone in the architectural field) and unsure of where I want to go from here. Do I want to make the shift to residential or is my heart really here; but in a different specialty? Or do I need to continue to grow and nurture this place I am at? Do I want to freelance and work on my own? It is time to decide where I will devote the next phase.
I have reached a time in my life when I feel like I need to make some things right. Not mistakes I have made or things I have done but I need to make some selfish choices in order to do what is best for me. I know just reading that sounds awful but I know too many people who are older than I who gave up too much of themselves without "refilling the glass" and they have forgotten or never learned how to say enough. I am not talking about drinking..I was referring to the visual of a person being a glass of water and how you give and give and pour your glass into other things and people and if you never refresh or refill that glass, you end up empty with nothing more to give. That's how I have felt about somethings in my life lately. Like I am running on empty and I need to refill and refresh. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be doing things that make me unhappy. Now of course I still have to wait in lines and make business calls and go to the grocery store and I wouldn't say that those things make me exactly joyful or anything.... but I shouldn't be doing things that are supposed to be good for me if they just aren't.
I am a quirky person and I deal with things in my own way and it sometimes doesn't make sense to others but, for me I have found that I have to do a bit of weeding in my life and make sure that the things I spend time doing are worthwhile for me and that they make me happy. I know some of my readers will obviously know from real life how I have separated myself from things and I want to tell you all something so it can stop being the unspoken words between us. I love each of you so much and your friendship means the world to me. But I feel like I am not growing and I am spending more time in frustration over things than happy that I am there. Leadership is very important to me and I believe that it is necessary to accomplish goals and to grow. I just need to find something that fulfills me personally so that I can be happy and connected in my spiritual life. I hate that that takes me away from time with friends - but the purpose of that specific time is for the spiritual and I need it. I am at a point of growth in my life and I want to do what is best for me. I hope you understand. I didn't start this post wanting to say that but somewhere here I knew I needed to tell the truth.
Another things I been dwelling on is the way that we as adults treat our family and friends. The older I get the more I have learned from mine and others actions. I think how we treat people is very important. Too often a simple word or just something implied can ruin relationships. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells but you should be cognizant of what you are saying and how that makes you look to others - relationships can be delicate things. They should be comfortable and safe havens for us but many people forget that a lot can be broken with negative words and actions in a moment or over time. Too many people don't take the time to think before they act. I spend time worrying (more than I should) about what people think and how things I say or don't say make others feel. A huge part of growing up is learning to be cautious of what we say and how we treat people -even our friends whom we are supposed to care for. Telling the truth is important - but I do believe that sometimes not telling is what is best. I am cautious to say something that will hurt someone - even if that person's actions have hurt me or my husband's feelings. Is that crazy? I want to protect them. I know that sounds weird but I think that that is because the weeding has already taken place. There have been a couple situations in my life where I have found myself weeding before I realized it and I think that as adults we get out of the high school routine and we learn that we don't have to be friends with everyone. Polite and respectful if deserved but, not buddies. I have done some weeding in my life and I think that it is for the best. Talk about a jumble of emotions today...
As I was writing that I got to thinking about roots since I was already deep within a gardening metaphor. I am wondering (at this moment) why it is that I am so fearful of laying down roots where I am now? I have struggled with making friends and really planting (there I go again..)myself here emotionally and I am always thinking of where I want to be. I have other roots buried deep where I grew up. They are twisted up in other friendships and they run deep. The family roots are different to me but there is a comfort in the thought of being closer. So, I am afraid to be grounded here. I said it. Roots are scary to me. It's the reason I always say I am from the Midwest but I live in Florida. I am fighting it. (laughing) And I really don't know why...
What do you think? Have you ever had to do some weeding in your life? Been consumed with too much stuff or had to pull yourself out? Anyone else afraid to settle down?
Friday, January 23, 2009
I have been thinking lately about how the ease and lack of responsibility you have in your college years compared to now. Was it really a more simple time? I did have a job, but it was part time and mostly social. I had lots of classes and too many hours at a time...but I had plenty of time to do the work. I was surrounded by friends so every night was a fun night out or in. Lots of activities…but only if I felt like going.
I did have responsibilities I guess – I had grades and I had organizations and things I was in charge of and responsible for activities and planning. I think I was stressed sometimes and definitely high strung about it BUT...compared to now – when I look back I just see a kid having fun and playing around.
I have fun now – but rarely do I pick up the mail without a bill in it. I often have conversations with my attorney. I spend time worrying about job security and what my career goals are in the long run. I wonder about whether or not I want to have children and if I will ever be ready or be able to afford it. We plan our year of vacation time and travel in January so we can work everything in. I obsess over where I want to live, who I am, health food! I mean I have a lot going on and it can be hectic and overwhelming at times…but did I feel that way four years ago too? Was it really a more simple time or am I just remembering only the good and dismissing the drama –
Gosh...College was so amazing! And I never thought when we were leaving high school that we could top that experience and then came college (sigh) awesome memories…four years full.
Maybe that is just what we do with memories…we keep the best ones on top and when we look back at periods of our life we see more of the good – and even when we see the bad we find a way to make it funny or chuckle over it.
Even looking back to when Kyle and I first moved to Florida and it seems like a different time entirely…
Maybe several years from now I will look back on this year and think of it as The Year that changed my life, or maybe I will think of it as the year we did this..or that..and wasn’t that a simpler time???
So, I guess the question is: Are things getting more complicated or is everything just different and seems bigger when you are in the moment?
Am I still the girl who would find a cozy spot under a tree and write in her notebook for hours in between classes? Am I still the girl who fell in love while taking a walk around a lake… Am I still the girl who throws peach smoothie on her best friend in the elevator? Am I still the girl who dances like no one is watching and sings in the car even at stoplights… Am I still the girl who lights the candle for Koinonia Philia… Am I
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Selecting paint colors at work.
I hope you didn't think that Shades of Grey was going to be some deep theological or emotional diatribe about my life and how I see the world. Because this post is really about paint and shades of grey paint.
I deal with this drama on a daily basis. If you haven't read my profile or been scrolling through my little thoughts here for too long then you might now know that I am an interior designer. Yes. A real one - like I actually have a license and everything..I don't just pick out pretty pillows and hang drapes (But I love to do those things too!!). I work for an architecture firm that does mostly commerical jobs. And I pick the colors for pretty much ever single job we do - interior and exterior. Like schools, car dealerships, churches, manufacturing facilities..you get the picture. Not cool high rise buildings with glamorous penthouses and executive suites. There is still time kiddos! I haven't laid my dreams to rest...
So anyways I am often picking out colors for lame buildings and storage rooms, hidden mechanical rooms, etc. I do fun things too! I promise!! But the guys around here seem to have some interesting color/ paint phobias. And those start with shades of grey. Now it is good to be cautious and careful when selecting colors and you need to think about it in terms of your other finishes..I get that. BUT! I have a color processing (in my mind) time limit that disallows me to obsess for more than 10 minutes over a shade of grey. There are many shades of grey people! There is cool grey and french grey and warm grey, light grey, steel grey, blue grey....the list goes on.
But I say - pick it and move on with your life!!
I have actually found that I have to pretend to be taking longer on a color selection just so "they" think I am obsessing over the grey paint as much as them. Let me lay this out there for you all - I make instinct decisions - I picture the room/ space and I kind of lay it out with the finishes in my mind. I can decide things quick because I am very visual about the paint colors I am selecting. This is where my former acting abilities really come in handy! I can fake a conversation about the amount of green that we are seeing in a grey paint sample for at least 15 minutes. (Amanda - if you read this....hee hee you soooooo know who and what I mean!) I consider it a part of my job and good training should I ever work in the residential industry because people are very particular about their houses...
So, having solved the shade of grey dilemma of the day...
I am going to sit here and eat my salad and cucumbers and grapes and dream about juicy hamburgers, pizza, and french fries smothered in ketchup...
yeah, DETOX Day 4 is kinda tough...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
So, hold out friends! I have so much to drone on and on about..please due stay tuned to my ramble!
In other news...
Kyle and I started our Detox on Monday. We did the same one about two and a half years ago and it really jump started a healthier time for us (that was until we slipped off the path thus placing us in the reality we are in now!). So we have this book with the directions and motivation and we got started on it on Monday. So basically last weekend was a free-for-all of foods we enjoy sense we won't be eating them for a long long time. We are looking at this like a health life change and not a diet. We want to make major changes in our life style (how we eat and exercise) so this is for good! But the Detox is for 4 weeks and then we will get on an regular and less strenuous plan. The good thing about the Detox is that we aren't starving...we are just eating different things. A lot of fruit and vegetables! I will keep you up to date on our progress.
But, so far this is the third day and we are both doing really well - I am off to eat my fruit!
Have a happy and fabulous Wednesday!!!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Here is my moment for this week (as always, see Tova for the rules so you can play along or to check out other totally awkward people):
This is a funny moment between my husband and I when we were just dating. We had been together a few months and we were hanging out in my room one day and I had decided to read him a few of my poems (yes! I know..how geeky? But I took writing classes and loved to write poetry so I wanted to share that with him). So I picked up this book that was also my journal and a few pictures fell out. And....they were of past boyfriends. This wouldn't have been a big deal except that Kyle picks up the photo and says, "Why do you have a picture of Jim*?". To which I in horror (muttering to myself - please don't know him please don't know him..) say, "Ummm...I dated him for a while a couple years ago." I then turn to my husband (then boyfriend) and I see the look on his face. Yeah. I am pretty sure that he knew the guy in the picture. I am also pretty sure that the guy in the picture was his little brother in their fraternity.
I am also pretty sure that the next time we went to a basketball game - the same guy from that photo who I dated who was my boyfriend's little frat brother sat behind us. And yeah.....
Can you say Awkward?????
Friday, January 16, 2009
I have decided not to go into hiding..I am just going to make this blog what I want it to be and suffer the consequences!
So I have changed the title to Reflections of Moi so if you follow me it will be different now!
I am going to work on my new look this weekend so who knows what I might look like next time you see me!
Kyle and I have decided to go on the detox that we did about 2 and a half years ago and we are going to start that on Monday! So wish us happy unhealthy eating and joy as we prepare for our last days of carbs and preservatives! hee hee!!
On The Office...
I was laughing so much last night! I am completely in love with this show! I am establishing a list of my favorite Office moments ever - I might make it into a Thursday Thirteen entry - last night my fave moment was when Dwight and Andy were facing off and Jim oddly walks between them with his eyes on the camera! I didn't even mind when Kyle did the annoying rewind!
I thought it was a great episode - but I do think that there has been a slight change in the mood of the show with the last few episodes..any other Office fans out there???
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
So, what am I conflicted about? I just read this article on Lifestyle Redesign by Zen Habits, in the article the author talks about your mind, body and soul and things you can do to realize the happiness in your life on the journey as opposed to waiting for some triumphant moment.
I don't think this was her intention but, the article made me realize exactly what I have been conflicted about coming into this new year without a resolution or dream to consider. My conflict lies here: Mind, Body and Soul.
And the biggest surprise? The fact that the drama of the last year really doesn't have a lot to do with my glummy attitude. Shocker. So, here is what I think is wrong with me:
I am having a conflict with writing this blog. I feel like I spend more time censoring what I want to say because of the people that read my blog. Don't get me wrong; I love and adore anyone who cares to stop by and read my blog. The problem is that I am worried about the people who I know in real life who read my blog and how they will take what I say or what they will think of me. I hate that because I don't have anything bad to say - it's just that I want to be frank and honest and open and I feel like I hold back things.
I am also having this lost feeling. That feeling that I have lost a part of who I once was. Not just in growing up but I have let a part of me slip away. I know that it is because I have moved away from home and only Kyle knew me before. It is also because of work and being busy and distracted with other things. But I feel like the part of me that I have lost is what made me the most wholly myself. Does that make sense?
So, how do I find that? How do I fix something like that?
Should I start a blog that is anonymous so I can speak my mind or should I just put myself out there and stop worrying about what other people might think. (5 days later...) I really don' t know what is the right decision but I am going to just go with my gut here and write whatever I want whether I lose or win readers because of it. This is supposed to be my outlet right? If I am not going to be open then I shouldn't really have it at all - I should keep a private journal at home. Maybe I will do that too.
Where to start. Where to start. I need to make some health changes. I don't love what I am seeing in the mirror and I have to take some initative and fix it. I am taking the strides to do that right now. A friend referred me to Sparkpeople.com and I have started on my little weightloss journey. Want to hear the horror? My goal according to the website is to lose 50 lbs by next Christmas. That is really intimidating. The site is really helping me though and I hope that I can get the motivation I need through that source to jump start this new goal. I want to be healthier and I dont want to have kids until I am more active and energetic. I am still working on getting my mind in the right place on this but I know that this part of me is causing other areas to suffer and it is only in my control to change it. Why does body image affect everything like it does? Why do I feel that if I were such and such thinner I could do all of these different things? I dont think that my weight has held me back in my life but I do think that it has an affect on my personality and character that I want dimenished. Does that make sense?
When it comes to matters of the soul you will find me a deeply introverted person. I have many thoughts and different ideas and things that affect how I believe and my faith as a whole. While some of them are theological, others are just plain soulful and are a part of how God has worked in my life as I have grown up. I have been in many different stages of faith through my life. There have been times when I didn't listen to any music but Christian. There were times when I took a daily quiet time with God on top of a peak I hiked in the morning. I led a chapel at a camp and was daily in touch with the Lord. Although I do not do those exact things now I am still in daily conversation with God. I have slipped in my exercise of going to church and with that laziness takes over. I am not worried about my soul and my place with the Lord. I know that he loves me and he made me as he did for a reason. Mainly I know that I am not serving him to the extent that he created me to and I feel like I am out of tune with the strength of my walk. I question many things and debate with how I feel about things in this world and how God would have me accept or deal with them. I am sure that my feelings would conflict with many inside a lot of churches today and I am sure with people who have grown up with in faith. Now that I have completely confused my readers about my life..I think I will wrap up this section by just saying that I see a lot of work that needs done with my soul. I need a daily routine and walk with God. I need to get organized with him first or my mind and body will not be able to succeed.
So that is where I am today readers. I am conflicted - but not without hope or resolution.
I think my resolution for this year will be to be more myself than I have been in a long time. To find the pieces of me that I have lost. To lose the parts of me (weight) that I am tired of. And to most importantly rejuventate my soul
My daily calendar had the following quote today:
"God is the beginning- not just the starting point, but the source of all things."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Alright now, welcome to another Totally Awkward moment of my life - revisited!
Okay this one is short and sweet. When I was in college I had a 3 hour design lab that was twice a week. My best friend Heather had the same lab but it was the one before mine (this sucked but probably made us more productive in the end). As per usual, a teacher's assistant aka grad student ran the lab. Our TA was this interesting woman who was very very opinionated and loud. That is as polite as I can be. We did not dislike her but she was not always our favorite person. One day we both decided to blow off our lab and go to the mall in The City. Obviously Heather was missed in the earlier class but it wasn't really suspect I guess until I was absent in my lab (The TA knew that we were friends and roomates). So the TA asked one of my friends in the class to call me and see where I was. So I answer the phone to see my friend calling me and I find out that my TA is checking in on my location. Awkward? Yes! Well, mostly it was hilarious. The awkward moment came at the next lab... Yes I skipped your class for some cute shoes and new outfit!! Would I do it again?? Hee hee......what do you think??
Happy Awkwardness All!
Can't wait to read everyone's stories today!!
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Here's my awkward moment:
I started out my freshman year of college with my best friend as my roomie. After the first semester she ended up having to take the spring semester off so, I was stuck living solo. During this time I had switched from Theatre to Interior Design and thus met some fabulous new people. One gal in particular and I were very close and started plotting to live together the next year. Another girl at our table who somehow became a part of our gang got in on the plan as well. My best friend was planning on coming back so we had a perfect group of four to stay in one of the on campus suites. My best friend and I took one side (2 rooms on each side with a shared living room and kitchen) and my my new really good friend and the other gal took the other since they knew each other well. My friend (for goodness sakes let's give them names so I can stop typing out my friend..this and that..), lets call her Anita (best friend) instantly hit it off with Beatrice (yes apparently we are from the 50's!) who I had gotten very close to so we all formed a pretty good group in the suite. The other girl, we will call her Patsy had a very steady boyfriend of several years while we were all single so she did a lot of things with him and tended to be too busy to do too much with the three of us. Thus she kind of excluded herself from our little fun group. Throughout the year we had a few tiffs with her and there was some tension at times when her stress level seemed to be through the roof and we were ummm...not stressed at all and just enjoying ourselves. You know, typical college like activity. We were sophomores and she was a second year junior or something. She took everything really seriously while we had peach smoothie fights in the elevator, took kick boxing because of the hottie hot instuctor and went on Zima walks (thats a whole other blog..hee hee). But, the most important thing to mention here is that we did not dislike her and we were all cordial to each other - there were no big fights or any reason at all for hatred or revenge of any kind. I say this because once I FINALLY tell you the awkward moment I just know you won' t believe me.
Here is what happened....
One night at about 3:00 am the fire alarms went off in our building. It was a crazy loud bell and a flashing strobe light in EVERY SINGLE ROOM in our suite. Naturally, it didn' t wake me as I sleep the sleep of the dead. Thankfully however, it did wake up Anita who was in the next room who went into the living room and ran into Beatrice. They put on their shoes and coats to drag themselves outside and both came into my room to wake me up. I woke up to flashing lights and them both in my room and the awful bell going off. They tossed me my shoes and out the door we went to file down the stairs and out of the building. Outside we huddled together in the freezing cold (I didn't live in FL at the time) with everyone else and waited to find out if it was a prank or a real fire. After about 15 minutes one of us suddenly completely woke up or something and realized that there were three of us standing there and not four. Meaning? We had left Patsy to burn. We stared at each other. How could we have forgotten her? We just left her there to die (of course, it was a small kitchen smoke alarm or something that had caused the uproar when someone was baking something and there was no real danger). But the point was that if it had been bad - we were all downstairs and safe and we had no idea if she was okay or not. We were horrified.
She came out the door. We breathed a sigh of relief as she walked over to us. So thankful that she was okay and so sorry that we had forgotten. We made up something about how we thought she was at her boyfriend's etc, but... let's just say that the damage was already done.
We had forgotten her. In a possible fire. Ummmm, awkward. I was touched that both Anita and Beatrice came to save me! I was clearly still too delirous with sleep to save Patsy...right?
Are you horrified?
Well, let's just say that once the horror faded away and the damage to the friendship sunk in down dark and deep...we started to find it sadly hilarious and we made a great renactment on video of the whole scenario. Except in it we go back through the flames to save our pet rat...(no, we didn't have a pet rat...that just made the video more funny). If I ever get computer savvy I will put it on youtube for your viewing pleasure (but don't hold your breath or anything).