Monday, January 26, 2009

Friendships, Growth and some light weeding...

Well, it is Monday once again... and I can't complain because due to television I have come to look forward to Mondays more and more. Any junkies out there? The only nights I have shows I watch are on Mondays and Thursdays so I DVR everything else and spread it out through the week. On Monday I have my guilty pleasure (The Bachelor) and then my comedy (Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother) and then my mini reality series Diatribe which I have become somewhat faithful to. See! It's a full night! And I only watch The Bachelor and spread the others out! Wait? Was obsessing over TV shows in the title of today's post?
Well, I guess thats a bonus. No charge.

With my new goals I talked about in this post a week or so ago I have taken a few steps and learned some things about myself. I have also pondered, philosophized and muttered about a few other ideas floating around in the old noggin'. Isn't it funny how things pop up in your mind and then you just slowly mull them over and over? Anyone else? Well, what I hope to gain is some insight from writing them out. Typically by the end of my post I either hate what I wrote and totally disagree with myself or I think I worded it perfectly and expressed myself phenomenally and then I go home and my husband goes, "What was up with that post today? You are off your rocker.." (J/K he has never said the phrase "off your rocker"...but you get what I mean)

Side Note:
Thanks for all the comments on the last post! I love writing about things that begin some conversation. I always want to comment back and I wonder if people read back thru. I wanted to make it clear that I have definitely grown and changed since college - what my worry was it that I have lost a few things along the way that I shouldn't have. The four years since college have been a total metamorphosis for me and I am so thankful for the maturing and growing I have done. But, I miss the things that are so me and I find great sadness in the fact that new people I have met since then think of me in a light that is so far from who I have always been.
To the anonymous Amanda...I am so excited that you were excited! But the Amanda I was referring to is a blogger so I don't know if you do know who and what I meant - unless it is you and you were just being anonymous! hee hee! But, please keep reading!
And to Morgan the Muse...there is still time. Don't graduate without throwing some smoothie around - you won't regret it!
Wow that was a side note and a half!

Wasn't I going to post about something...(referring to title..)

I have been thinking a lot about my life and trying to do a bit of spring cleaning. Kyle and I are on day eight of our detox and doing well. If you are interested in our process you are welcome to check out my page on - I am "STILLDREAMIN" if you want to be friends! The book we are basing the detox on is The 28 Day Plan by Christine Green. So I am working on my body and improving my health and how I feel about myself. It has been really interesting to see how I use food for comfort in my life. I have even found myself eating more of our health food because I found myself in a vulnerable mood. Yikes! It is an interesting look to have at your life when you start noticing your own patterns. I want to shift my thinking and shift my cravings. It is definitely a journey.
I feel like I am at a growing stage in my life. I have finished college and finished the first four years of my career the beginner fresh in the field feelings are starting to dull into a more experienced and secure perspective..NOT! I think I am less secure in my job than ever(the bad economy doesn't bode well for anyone in the architectural field) and unsure of where I want to go from here. Do I want to make the shift to residential or is my heart really here; but in a different specialty? Or do I need to continue to grow and nurture this place I am at? Do I want to freelance and work on my own? It is time to decide where I will devote the next phase.

I have reached a time in my life when I feel like I need to make some things right. Not mistakes I have made or things I have done but I need to make some selfish choices in order to do what is best for me. I know just reading that sounds awful but I know too many people who are older than I who gave up too much of themselves without "refilling the glass" and they have forgotten or never learned how to say enough. I am not talking about drinking..I was referring to the visual of a person being a glass of water and how you give and give and pour your glass into other things and people and if you never refresh or refill that glass, you end up empty with nothing more to give. That's how I have felt about somethings in my life lately. Like I am running on empty and I need to refill and refresh. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be doing things that make me unhappy. Now of course I still have to wait in lines and make business calls and go to the grocery store and I wouldn't say that those things make me exactly joyful or anything.... but I shouldn't be doing things that are supposed to be good for me if they just aren't.

I am a quirky person and I deal with things in my own way and it sometimes doesn't make sense to others but, for me I have found that I have to do a bit of weeding in my life and make sure that the things I spend time doing are worthwhile for me and that they make me happy. I know some of my readers will obviously know from real life how I have separated myself from things and I want to tell you all something so it can stop being the unspoken words between us. I love each of you so much and your friendship means the world to me. But I feel like I am not growing and I am spending more time in frustration over things than happy that I am there. Leadership is very important to me and I believe that it is necessary to accomplish goals and to grow. I just need to find something that fulfills me personally so that I can be happy and connected in my spiritual life. I hate that that takes me away from time with friends - but the purpose of that specific time is for the spiritual and I need it. I am at a point of growth in my life and I want to do what is best for me. I hope you understand. I didn't start this post wanting to say that but somewhere here I knew I needed to tell the truth.

Another things I been dwelling on is the way that we as adults treat our family and friends. The older I get the more I have learned from mine and others actions. I think how we treat people is very important. Too often a simple word or just something implied can ruin relationships. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells but you should be cognizant of what you are saying and how that makes you look to others - relationships can be delicate things. They should be comfortable and safe havens for us but many people forget that a lot can be broken with negative words and actions in a moment or over time. Too many people don't take the time to think before they act. I spend time worrying (more than I should) about what people think and how things I say or don't say make others feel. A huge part of growing up is learning to be cautious of what we say and how we treat people -even our friends whom we are supposed to care for. Telling the truth is important - but I do believe that sometimes not telling is what is best. I am cautious to say something that will hurt someone - even if that person's actions have hurt me or my husband's feelings. Is that crazy? I want to protect them. I know that sounds weird but I think that that is because the weeding has already taken place. There have been a couple situations in my life where I have found myself weeding before I realized it and I think that as adults we get out of the high school routine and we learn that we don't have to be friends with everyone. Polite and respectful if deserved but, not buddies. I have done some weeding in my life and I think that it is for the best. Talk about a jumble of emotions today...

As I was writing that I got to thinking about roots since I was already deep within a gardening metaphor. I am wondering (at this moment) why it is that I am so fearful of laying down roots where I am now? I have struggled with making friends and really planting (there I go again..)myself here emotionally and I am always thinking of where I want to be. I have other roots buried deep where I grew up. They are twisted up in other friendships and they run deep. The family roots are different to me but there is a comfort in the thought of being closer. So, I am afraid to be grounded here. I said it. Roots are scary to me. It's the reason I always say I am from the Midwest but I live in Florida. I am fighting it. (laughing) And I really don't know why...

What do you think? Have you ever had to do some weeding in your life? Been consumed with too much stuff or had to pull yourself out? Anyone else afraid to settle down?

Happy Monday.