Conflicted

Over the last week or so I have been so conflicted. Normally I think of the New Year bringing an almost rejuvenated feeling; A new beginning with new opportunity and choices. But this year I feel this downward lull with the New Year. Like 2008 was so crappy that one little New Year can't save it. You know, it's like the economic crisis: It's so awful that the predictions for real change aren't going to happen when Obama gets inaugurated. And everything won't turn around in one term. It will take years. Depressed yet? My point is that this is how I have been feeling. This last year has been beyond tough. It was our first year of marriage and the best thing about the year was my marriage! Normally people say the first year is the toughest but ours was tough not because of our relationship but because of outside problems. I think we would both agree that without equal shoulder time to cry on we wouldn't have made it!

So, what am I conflicted about? I just read this article on Lifestyle Redesign by Zen Habits, in the article the author talks about your mind, body and soul and things you can do to realize the happiness in your life on the journey as opposed to waiting for some triumphant moment.

I don't think this was her intention but, the article made me realize exactly what I have been conflicted about coming into this new year without a resolution or dream to consider. My conflict lies here: Mind, Body and Soul.

Double Depressed?

And the biggest surprise? The fact that the drama of the last year really doesn't have a lot to do with my glummy attitude. Shocker. So, here is what I think is wrong with me:

Mind

I am having a conflict with writing this blog. I feel like I spend more time censoring what I want to say because of the people that read my blog. Don't get me wrong; I love and adore anyone who cares to stop by and read my blog. The problem is that I am worried about the people who I know in real life who read my blog and how they will take what I say or what they will think of me. I hate that because I don't have anything bad to say - it's just that I want to be frank and honest and open and I feel like I hold back things.

I am also having this lost feeling. That feeling that I have lost a part of who I once was. Not just in growing up but I have let a part of me slip away. I know that it is because I have moved away from home and only Kyle knew me before. It is also because of work and being busy and distracted with other things. But I feel like the part of me that I have lost is what made me the most wholly myself. Does that make sense?


So, how do I find that? How do I fix something like that?


Should I start a blog that is anonymous so I can speak my mind or should I just put myself out there and stop worrying about what other people might think. (5 days later...) I really don' t know what is the right decision but I am going to just go with my gut here and write whatever I want whether I lose or win readers because of it. This is supposed to be my outlet right? If I am not going to be open then I shouldn't really have it at all - I should keep a private journal at home. Maybe I will do that too.

Body

Where to start. Where to start. I need to make some health changes. I don't love what I am seeing in the mirror and I have to take some initative and fix it. I am taking the strides to do that right now. A friend referred me to Sparkpeople.com and I have started on my little weightloss journey. Want to hear the horror? My goal according to the website is to lose 50 lbs by next Christmas. That is really intimidating. The site is really helping me though and I hope that I can get the motivation I need through that source to jump start this new goal. I want to be healthier and I dont want to have kids until I am more active and energetic. I am still working on getting my mind in the right place on this but I know that this part of me is causing other areas to suffer and it is only in my control to change it. Why does body image affect everything like it does? Why do I feel that if I were such and such thinner I could do all of these different things? I dont think that my weight has held me back in my life but I do think that it has an affect on my personality and character that I want dimenished. Does that make sense?

Soul

When it comes to matters of the soul you will find me a deeply introverted person. I have many thoughts and different ideas and things that affect how I believe and my faith as a whole. While some of them are theological, others are just plain soulful and are a part of how God has worked in my life as I have grown up. I have been in many different stages of faith through my life. There have been times when I didn't listen to any music but Christian. There were times when I took a daily quiet time with God on top of a peak I hiked in the morning. I led a chapel at a camp and was daily in touch with the Lord. Although I do not do those exact things now I am still in daily conversation with God. I have slipped in my exercise of going to church and with that laziness takes over. I am not worried about my soul and my place with the Lord. I know that he loves me and he made me as he did for a reason. Mainly I know that I am not serving him to the extent that he created me to and I feel like I am out of tune with the strength of my walk. I question many things and debate with how I feel about things in this world and how God would have me accept or deal with them. I am sure that my feelings would conflict with many inside a lot of churches today and I am sure with people who have grown up with in faith. Now that I have completely confused my readers about my life..I think I will wrap up this section by just saying that I see a lot of work that needs done with my soul. I need a daily routine and walk with God. I need to get organized with him first or my mind and body will not be able to succeed.

So that is where I am today readers. I am conflicted - but not without hope or resolution.

I think my resolution for this year will be to be more myself than I have been in a long time. To find the pieces of me that I have lost. To lose the parts of me (weight) that I am tired of. And to most importantly rejuventate my soul
My daily calendar had the following quote today:

"God is the beginning- not just the starting point, but the source of all things."