Thursday, May 01, 2008

When I was younger I had a big group of girls that I basically grew up with and hung out with and talked to daily. There was a kind of core group that did most things together and then we had various other friends who would join in from time to time. As time has gone by and we have gotten married or moved away (or both) we have remained connected and as good of friends as ever. There is just one thing missing. Maintenance. It's not something that we really need because we all know that we will always be friends and always care and be there for each other. What I mean by maintenance is the day to day upkeep of a friendship, more than those bimonthly calls or reading each others blogs. The problem is that that is just about impossible because we all have busy lives and other things going on. So of course we need as we get older to meet and make new friends for that daily friendship, not hindering at all the loyal friendships that we keep with those we love. This has been my greatest struggle in moving away from home. I now realize how different my life is from 3 years ago. I don't have constant friend contact. I have been greatly blessed with friends here but I have struggled to really connect with them. I used to shrug it off just telling myself that friendships are different when you are married or friendships are different when you meet as adults. And this is partly true I understand, but I gotta tell heart is aching for a friend right now. And here I am in a lifegroup that meets once a week plus does stuff together almost every weekend, with 4 great girls in it that I get along with great. But I still dont feel like I have a friend that I can call and just talk to or someone that I can just do stuff with. Everything our lifegroup does is always in a group - b/c if anyone makes plans then we call everyone and see who is available. But some of the best times I have had is when we go out with just one other couple or if I just go shopping or something with one of the ladies. Kyle was saying just last night on our way home from lifegroup, "We just aren't a lifegroup. We are friends and we do stuff together because of that - not just because we all go to church together- we are really friends." and a few tears fell down my cheek because I knew what he meant but, inside I honestly don't feel as fulfilled with the friendships I have developed. There are newer people in the group that I connect with better and I hope that maybe that will help but for some reason I just feel kind of alone and bored . And I feel like this person that I used to be is inside just trying to bust out. This is going to sound more than awful but it might help make more sense of my problem. There are some people that you meet that you just click with and you just know that you will be great friends, there are other very special and wonderful people that you meet that you just dont click with and they become your friends by more means of circumstance than real friend chemistry. Does that make sense?
Its frustrating me to write this because it is so much on my heart and mind today but I dont feel like I am quite expressing myself as I would like. I will close with this and only those reading buffs might get it completely:
The friendships I have known in my life are like something out of Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells and the friendships that I have made since I was an adult are like something out of a Jane Austen novel. One is exuberant and exciting and there is so much emotion and memories and an unbelievable story and the other is nice and polite, calm and serene. I love Jane Austen, she is my favorite author - But I would rather live between the pages of Divine Secrets.