I like checking others peoples and seeing what their mood is. There are lots of choices and I try to be very truthful. If I were to log on today I would pick: conflicted.
Why am I conflicted? I don't know! I seem to have nothing going on but then 4 inches under the surface my life is just a mass of stress and madness. So...why the cool serene exterior? Because its the only way I can be. If I let all the drama envelope me I would be someone I don't want to be. Know what I mean? Me + drama = me 4 years ago. Ever since I met Kyle my life has been completely different. Yes I am dramatic and yes I am still ME but a total change took over my life and that change is called: Control. I am the epitemy of self control. I think before everything I do and I think 360 degrees around it. This can be maddening but it is who I have become. And I will run 100 miles out of my way to avoid the uncomfortable, problematic, drama filled moments that make me cringe. Are ya feelin' me? Am I a nutcase? Maybe. But the thing is that I seem to have developed this internal device that organizes, files and deals with all scenarios. That is why I can be a mass of conflict, drama, ulcers, indecision and dreams, plans, and ideas and come across as completely together, organized and in control.
Because I am. The problem is that sometimes the device shuts down and overload happens and I have a crisis.
This happened to me the the other night. I woke up in the middle of the night having this dream about family and home. All the homesickness hit but then the conflict bubbled up and I was crying. These aren't on the surface problems..these are the nitty gritty little stickpins that we all have from our imperfect lives. But here they were bubbling up. When I woke up I was thinking about it all....thankgoodness the server was back up and I was able to rework some things, move some files around, download some reality and get back online. Did I just make myself sound like a robot? That is sooo not the image I was working towards.
I guess my point is this: I have learned how to deal with the things that bother me. I have learned to sensor and control my environment so I function the best. I dont ignore issues - I deal with them head on but, I have figured out how to deal with them in the best possible way and keep myself as close to nuetral as I can.
The title: So what does my heart want? Does it want to burst free, run wild and deal with everything as it sees fit or feels fit? Or does it want the ulcer controlling mechanism I have designed for it? It wants what it wants. But what if I don't know?
Have I changed who I am? Have I just become a more mature and better person? Have I squashed something neccessary?
What do I want?