(Disclaimer: this is one of those deep blogs where I will disclose my feelings and open up about things I dont like to talk about but am busting at the seems to say. I will probably spend the majority of the blog and most likely end it without saying or at least not very clearly what it is that I am trying to say. Either take a deep breath and hold on tight or click the x in the top right hand corner. It's probably all coming out because I am listening to Stevie Wonder's Bad Mamma Jamma.)
"Always new. Always exciting. Always full of promise. The mornings of our lives, each a personal daily miracle!" -Gloria Gaither
This was the quote on my daily calendar for January 1st. It's a new year and yet I don't feel like
I am starting fresh like I normally do. I brought in last year rather badly if you remember my blog about it you will understand what I mean. And I think that with that bad start my year seemed to follow that kind of flow. Health problems, Kyle in the hospital....but, it wasn't all bad. Looking back on this year so many wonderful things happened! Pam got married! Heather had the cutest baby ever born. Sheralyn found out she was having a baby and she also got engaged to the love of her life. And so did I (minus the baby part). I can't believe my best friend and I are both engaged at the same time. I went to New York last year and on my first cruise. My cousin Tiffanie got married. My dad had knee replacement surgery, mom had knee surgery too. It was really an eventful year with probably more ups than downs when I actually sit down and think about it. Looking back over the year-I'm trying to pinpoint when exactly it was that things started to change for me. I don't know, but somewhere this year I looked in the mirror and I didnt know the person staring back at me. I look around me and the only thing that makes sense is Kyle. What I mean is, why Florida? Why interiors? Why why why? I guess this is the point in my life where I wonder, "what do I want to do with my life?". So in 2007 I guess I am looking for answers. I am still going to continue on the interiors path and get licensed but, after that who knows. So, here I am looking in this mirror-not recognizing who is looking at me and I realize that it's no ones fault but my own. I have let go of who I am, and it didn't start this year and it didn't start in Florida - it happened somewhere between my junior year in school and now. First I came back from camp junior year and jumped on some high horse, and pushed everyone away because honestly, my heart was broken and I couldn't fix it. I continued this behavior through the summer - losing more of myself during my internship - just by hiding my personality and morphing into this thing that was so unhappy. Somewhere in there I decided to open my heart up again knowing completely without a doubt that it would soon be handed back to me even more crumpled and torn than before. Sure enough. Senior year started with what I guess we will call, "forgetting". I kicked that sad girl out of the way and went in a total 180 from that point to this crazy girl. Yes, I was probably more myself than I had been-but I took it too far and compromised the actual composition of who I was and what I thought was right and wrong. I left my conscience at the door and for lack of a better term, I lived it up! Bad decision, yes but if I had the chance I wouldnt change it b/c of the person who came out of it. I figured things out that many middle aged adults havent figured out. Living that way is not fulfilling and there is nothing in it to be proud of, and I want more than that. Luckily God was still looking out for me becaue in the midst of crazy town he introduced me to Kyle. Not that this stopped the bad decision making-but despite everything he was this amazing man who I fell in love with and connected with in a way that no other schmoe I had dated had. It was right, amidst the chaos. And we actually got to do a lot of growing up together over the next year. Graduating, moving away and realizing that that college part of our lives was over and we started looking forward to the future. So, here I am in the future and not surprisingly despite what I have accomplished and where I am..I still feel like I am searching for myself. Maybe everyone feels this way, maybe it's just me. So, I guess I will let my guard down for once and actually tell the good honest truth in my blog that is here for this very purpose. I am lost. I dont know what I want. I want to marry Kyle-but, I cant get excited about planning. It's me me me me. No one else but me. So, what do I do after another bad night or yet another fight over something stupid and insignificant? I wake up, go to work and read this quote, "Always new. Always exciting. Always full of promise..." I guess that's God's way of saying, hold tight. This is just something you have to go through but, remember that each day is new and tomorrow is gone. Don't dwell in the past, not even in yesterday.
Whoa. It's only 9 in the morning! (This is where I will make a joke to end the deep confessional feeling of the blog). Welp! I guess I better get back to my busy day of wedding dress searching on the net and cruising through the knot.com..er....I mean, I better get back to those floor plans, run some prints and pick out some tile for the Vero Beach renovation. Ha!
(p.s. just because you told me not too- Word up Heathre!)