How I Feel

I finally had my appointment with the other surgeon for a second opinion on my back.
Just now I sat trying to explain it to someone and my eyes weld up with tears again.
February 16, 2008 the day that changed my life. No one has been able to help my pain
and it has been almost a year. This surgeon agrees with the other that due to my age and the type of problem I have that although I need surgery to fix it - in fixing it the scar tissue created will either provide me with no relief from my original problem or might create bigger problems. Simply put? I could come out no better or far far worse. I am thankful for the opinions and I am relieved that surgery is not in my future. However that still leaves me where I have been since the accident. In pain. The doctor suggests I see a Rehabilitative Specialist. So I will go. But in all honesty after this year of doctors and appointments so extensive that I have used up all my vacation and holiday time and thus will not get to go home for Christmas and will not get to see my family. This first year of marriage that in brutal honesty isn't what anyone ever thinks their honeymoon phase will be (wow that is brutally honest). This year of watching everyone else do the things I can't and of chomping down pain pills just to get through the day. This year of hurting without relief....
I am tired. I am so so tired.
On my way back from the appointment today I heard this song. Its kind of desperate. It has some essence of hope. I guess that is how I feel...

Stand by Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place
Yeah then you stand
Then you stand

(sigh)

I thought I would take a minute from my doctor order bedrest (yes - seriously)
and update my blog friends about the past week. I had autopost on almost all week so I could share some fun things but I have really had a tough week.
The Myelogram was rough. I had a reaction to the iodine and it was pretty icky. In case you don't know ( I sure didn't) a myleogram is a where they inject iodine into the spinal canal and then they move it around in the body and give you a CT scan. My body curled up like a squashed spider when they gave me the iodine and then I started having hallucinations - it was a very emotional, painful and exhaustive day. For the rest of Wednesday and Thursday I was on bedrest and for Wednesday I had to drink 5 million gallons of water and caffinated drinks to get the iodine out of my system. I also had to lay with my head elevated so as to insure that the iodine didn't get to my brain (yes - seriously)
To be frank with you - nothing has ever sucked more.
Friday I went back to work and did okay until around noon when I was having awful pains in my back and was really afraid because there are dangers of infection and things when they put a needle in your spine like that. I was in so much pain I left work and called Kyle crying over the pain (I had held it in a work and I just exploded when I got to my car) who called my doctor who then called me personally and told me to get to the hospital ASAP. The pains I was having were different and scary so I drove myself to Tampa sobbing (drama queen and a half I guess - but dang dang dang was I ever in pain!). Kyle met me there and they did x-rays and examined me and determined I was having severe muscle spasms and radiating pain from my original injury. Seriously. So they sent me home with even more pain medicine and a prescription for bedrest and heat and cold packs for the weekend or until I get to see the surgeon next week.
Geez. I have layed in bed all yesterday and most of today thinking - is this my life?
So I am being a bad patient at the moment but I just hate to crawl back in that bed.
But I guess I have to -

Thanks for listening to my drama and complaining

TTYL