Wednesday, March 14, 2007

who i am

Remember that country song by Rebbecca something that was big for a while, it was called WHO I went like this- "I am Rosemarie's granddaughter, the spitting image of my father, and when the day is done my mommas still my biggest fan..." Ring any bells?
Well, I guess I am having an identity realization (which would be the opposite of an identity crisis). I have been thinking about who it is that I am. You know there are all those sayings and things about FINDING YOURSELF and COMING INTO YOUR OWN and to me that always seemed kinda silly - like you should know yourself that's a no brainer - I mean you spend everyday with yourself-how can you be a mystery to you? But I realize now that its more about understanding yourself, like when I say that someone really "knows" me, I mean that they "GET" me, they understand what I stand for and who I am inside. So how hard could it be to understand yourself- why you do things and why you feel a certain way...well the deep core of the matter is that God made you and he made all those quirky things about you. But I think he also made us a little bit of enigma and over time he reveals us to ourselves. And sometimes we don't listen when he is really trying to say something and other times we are listening so hard but we just don't yet "get" what it is he is trying to tell us. Lately he has revealed a few things to me that I should have known 3, 4 or even 8 years ago but here I am "getting" it. What I have found out about myself is that I first of all - have a real love for the Lord and it is written in every piece of me. I'm not saying that I always live the way I should or always do what will honor him first and for most. But, I sure know when I not am doing it and when I have turned my back. Now you might wonder how this is such a revelation to me who has grown up in the church and been in a church seat on Sunday for most of my life? It's because I didn't get here b/c I went to church or because my dad read the Bible to me. I got here because that was his intention for my life. WOW! I mean it is really an amazing thing to realize that this wasn't your choice for your life - this was his. He gave me that ability to love him, and then he waited, he worked in me, he challenged me, and then one day I opened my eyes and I realized that no matter what I did with my life, or where I go - that will not change. pretty deep stuff, I know.

Second of all I have realized that I am not afraid of the future because I have faith in what I have accomplished so far and I for one feel like I have something to offer career wise and I hope that that realization will give me a little bit more determination and ambition when it comes to what I do on a daily basis.

The other realization is that hair color does not define you unless you let it. Some may say- well, genius I never thought that hair color defined me - but I am here to tell you that even if it doesn't define you there is a big change in going from blond to brunette. Trust me. I KNOW. I am the same person, but when I look in the mirror- I go-"WHAT! Who is that? What are you doing? You are so a blond-you aren't fooling anybody - but by the way- you look sooooo hot!" well, maybe I say that last part just for fun.

And the fourth realization is personal - but I will say that God is continuously working on my heart and pushing me to place him first and he will take care of the rest.
So friends, This is what I know-

I am 23 years old.
I am blonde (despite the color of my hair at the moment)
I am only outgoing when I am completely comfortable with everyone around me
I am shy, cautious and apprehensive
I am intolerant of disrespect, immaturity, and carelessness
I love shoes but they always hurt my feet - thus I live in flip-flops year round
I live in Florida but I wont always live here
I love praise and worship music and I jam to Toby Mac on the way to work
I still use the term 'jam'
I don't pray as often as I should
I don't spend time reading the Bible like I should
Though I may struggle, God is my number one
I eat too much and think every meal should end with a little something sweet
I think that a hot bath is the cure for many a bad day
I love New York b/c I when I am there I feel inspired and i love concrete (lol)
I can listen to the same Norah Jones CD for an entire day
I don't like to bowl
I don't like guns
I don't eat spaghetti in restaurants
I love movies
I love to read even more
I am not a Republican
I love rainy days
I hate muggy hot days
I love
I feel loved
I feel like I am a part of something
I like limes in my water, hold the lemon
I feel cool driving my ford taurus
I want to be a writer but I am scared to say what I want to say
I like to shop and my credit card likes to buy (this is a weakness but it is who I am)
I am in a book club
I am an interior designer
I am a dork
I am a dreamer and I cannot change
I get mad
I get sad
I get blue
There is more to me than I know
But I do know these things

Only to make this a little bit more interesting and more of a conversation piece- I will ask-"Who are you?"

Have a great weekend